MY PATIO: THE CHIMENEA

To begin with, it must be said:  As a general rule,  I don't like new things.  I like old things...found things....repurposed things.  They are things which can tell a story to anyone who is still long enough to listen.

The story about my patio must begin with the chimenea.  And it is one of the few things I bought 'new.'  It is the heart and soul of this, for me, sacred, special haven.

It was a holiday, as I recall and my husband and I decided we wanted to take a day trip.  We wandered, probably on back roads and wound up in Nogales, Arizona.  There, we saw a business, open, with a  huge yard chock full of every kind of Mexican pottery imaginable!  At the time, I had been painting on regular clay pots but what I saw there put an end to 'regular clay pot painting!  We wound up spending a crazy amount of money on a crazy amount of merchandise....including this chimenea  The owner was so pleased.  He told us that he had almost not opened that day, expecting little or no business but he had a goal he was trying to reach and our purchases put him over his goal.  It was a good day for us all!  How did all that stuff get to our house?  I don't remember but it was so much, it had to have been delivered.

This is some of the stuff I used to paint on...including pots of all kinds and small chimeneas purchased that day!

How many untold hours have been spent with so many special people, talking and laughing or just sitting in sweet, companionable silence, watching the flames dance and listening to the crackling of burning wood ....and smelling that sweetest perfume of all, cedar and pinon pine as the smoke curls up and around us.....warming our hands....and our feet....and our hearts.....with its' sacred fire.  I say it is sacred because the wood gives up its very last shred of life,  to keep us warm.  That is a gift!

Eventually, with minimal help from my husband because I WANT TO DO IT BY MYSELF!!!!.....I built a stand for it,  from a neighbor's discarded flagstone.  Thank you, Cecil.   May he RIP.  Now, there's a 'hearth' .....a  place to prop your feet up to get them all toasty on a cold evening.

This was many years ago.  I am...and look...much older now!

And, I did, finally throw those shorts away. 

 I placed in it, stones I had found in my wanderings through the desert creeks and canyons and flatlands....each with its own, special memory.  It is not exactly level.  I do not care.  And, I purposely left sufficient spaces to  provide lizards easy access in and out of this good dwelling place for them.

One time, a 2 year old child was visiting and I had given him the hose to play at watering the plants in my pots.  He watered everything.  And when, his mom and I got distracted, he filled the chimenea to overflowing!  I didn't think to take out all the wet sand and ash.....so it could properly dry....and so it began deteriorating more quickly than it might have.   A crack appeared....from what, I don't know...perhaps a fire that was too hot made from mesquite wood?  Still, after 20 plus years, it stands there.....waiting.....till it can again warm my heart and the hearts of all who sit by its glow.

WHAT'S IN MY PIE?

I've been thinking, this morning, about those pie charts.  If I made one for my life, what would it look like?  How would it be divided?

After some semi-serious thought, I decided on four sections:

Practical
Physical
Spiritual
Magical

The first is for those things that are necessary  in our daily lives....things like bothering to get dressed, washing dishes, grocery shopping, dusting, vaccuming, laundry, paying bills.....feeding the dadgum cats and cleaning up the dadgum cat hair!  Stuff like that.  Stuff that goes on a 'To-Do List.'
This will be the smallest piece of the pie chart.

The second is the oft ignored basic needs for physical health and energy.  At least, I oft ignore them.  Or, I used to.  Not so much these days.  These days, I have become so aware of my physical limitations and I am really ticked off about it!  There are things I want to do,  now that I am out of that horrible, long depression since my NEW DAY began, three weeks ago tonight.  I've always done pretty well in the healthy eating department but I did very badly when it came to any kind of regular physical exertion or exercise.  Use it or lose it.  I didn't.  I did.  I want it back....as much as is possible.  It has become necessary to pay closer attention to my physical needs...starting with oxygen!  I'm already doing breathing exercises and they are helping.  I need to add some strength building exercises next and actually DO THEM!!!!!  So,this will be the next biggest piece of the pie chart.

The third and the fourth are quite similar and one blends into the other so beautifully, that maybe I should just consider them as one huge portion.

I have been spending a great deal of my time just sitting on my patio BEING.  And SEEING.  And HEARING.  I am acutely aware that this has become one of the most  important parts of my day!  It is so healing and restful and relaxing and restoring.  These days, I have some very specific music playing almost all day long...and for sure, all night long.  This music is......words fail....it is just magic! 

Writing my blog is feeding my spirit and my soul because to write it, I have to ask myself a question...and then I have to listen for the answer.  The asking is a prayer.  The waiting for an answer is meditation. The answer, when it comes, is magical....and turns into a 'spell'.....a 'spelling'....a gathering of words which appear in my journal and then, here, in my blog.

Painting, of course, has been, for years, the most Spiritual practice I had.  And Magic happens, sometimes, at that easel...when I am most fortunate. 

I am becoming aware that many of these things, from each list, can be transferred to another category....another piece of the pie.  Washing dishes can be a meditation and if you allow yourself to notice how the light plays with colors in the soap bubbles, it can be magical, too.  I am aware of how 'neatness  and order' in my surroundings has a great affect on my energy level.  I am aware that walking down the hall, to go get dressed, if done with a little dancin' thrown in, for good measure, can be part of the physical.  I am aware that deliberately taking a moment to do some gentle stretches can sometimes make little shivers of delightful relaxation course through my entire body.  That is surely magical!  Isn't it?

A wise woman once pointed out how difficult a thing balance is to achieve.  It requires enormous concentration and precise application of energy.  That just makes me tired to even think about.

I know that my pie chart won't be balanced into four equal parts.  Oh, NO!!!  At least three-quarters will be taken up by Spiritual and Magical.  A small sliver will be dedicated to the Practical.  What is left over will be labeled Physical.

I'll try this pie....and see if I like it. If I don't, I can always change the ingredients, can't I?

JUST SIT

JUST SIT!

Don't jump up 'n' down-fixin' 'n' fussin' with stuff.

JUST SIT!! 

Don't go to writin' down stuff-not a thought, ner a poem....fer sure, not a to do list!

JUST SIT!!

Don't be thinkin' on what you wanna do....or oughta do...or yore
gonna do later.

JUST SIT!!!

Just sit.....and let your eyes see what is right and beautiful...just as it is.

Just sit.....and hear what is sweet and soothing to your soul.

JUST SIT.

AND BREATHE.

AND BE!!!!

WALK IN BEAUTY

So many things, I am being aware of having written about in this blog-years ago!

So many things, I am being aware of having known...that I seem to have forgotten...at least, temporarily.

Long before I began painting, I wrote these words in a notebook.

"I AM. THEREFORE I CREATE BEAUTY."

Since childhood, I've prettified my surroundings...

...................arranged colorful pebbles in pleasing patterns as I played by a mountain stream.........

...................redecorated discarded Christmas trees using things I found wandering....bird's feathers, bits of string or paper....and yes, little rocks, which I would balance, carefully,on the branches............


Years ago, as a young mother, I determined that in our home, there would be beauty everywhere I looked!  I am a minimalist.  I don't like 'stuff' for the sake of having 'stuff.'  And I abhor, what I call 'uglies.'

I had a rule.  For me to have something in our house, it had to meet, at least one of these criterion.

1.  It must be eminently useful
2.  It must be of great sentimental value
3.  It must be beautiful.

It was the greatest joy to have something which was all three!  Maybe this pot isn't beautiful to some.  But it is to me.  And, it gets used more than any other pan I've ever owned.  And, it was my mother's.

I could not be bothered to clean the spills before taking the photo!

I have followed those rules always, the very best I possibly could.

We forget, though, we humans,  that we are here to see and appreciate beauty....to feel beauty.....and to create beauty!

The Navajo People have a prayer............

Walking in Beauty: Closing Prayer from the Navajo Way Blessing Ceremony
In beauty I walk
With beauty before me I walk
With beauty behind me I walk
With beauty above me I walk
With beauty around me I walk
It has become beauty again


Hózhóogo naasháa doo?Shitsijí’ hózhóogo naasháa doo?Shikéédéé hózhóogo naasháa doo?Shideigi hózhóogo naasháa doo?T’áá altso shinaagóó hózhóogo naasháa doo?Hózhó náhásdlíí’?Hózhó náhásdlíí’?Hózhó náhásdlíí’?Hózhó náhásdlíí’


Today I will walk out, today everything negative will leave me
I will be as I was before, I will have a cool breeze over my body.
I will have a light body, I will be happy forever, nothing will hinder me.
I walk with beauty before me. I walk with beauty behind me.
I walk with beauty below me. I walk with beauty above me.
I walk with beauty around me. My words will be beautiful.
In beauty all day long may I walk.
Through the returning seasons, may I walk.
On the trail marked with pollen may I walk.
With dew about my feet, may I walk.
With beauty before me may I walk.
With beauty behind me may I walk.
With beauty below me may I walk.
With beauty above me may I walk.
With beauty all around me may I walk.
In old age wandering on a trail of beauty, lively, may I walk.
In old age wandering on a trail of beauty, living again, may I walk.
My words will be beautiful…

Linguistic Note: The word “Hozho”  in  Dine’  (roughly translated) Concept of Balance and Beauty. Consideration of the nature of the universe, the world, and man, and the nature of time and space, creation, growth, motion, order, control, and the life cycle includes all these other Navajo concepts expressed in terms quite impossible to translate into English.   Some Navajos might prefer the term: “Nizhoni” meaning  ‘just beauty.”
Written by Robert S. Drake, for Tom Holm, PhD, University of Arizona American Indian Graduate Studies Program, Native American Religions and Spirituality.

I AM.  THEREFORE, I CREATE BEAUTY.

Beginning, once again, to create beauty, is a most joyful part of this New Day Journey I am  on.

I pray that I may not forget that truth, again.

ALL MY SENSES

At 8, I go to bed....not exhausted...just pleasantly tired after a fulfilling day.
As I lie there, listening to my sleep music, I become so relaxed that I can scarcely determine where my body ends and the bed supporting me begins.

I do not, however, fall asleep.  After an hour, I get up, thinking I will read for a bit.  But, I notice it is raining again. so instead, I go sit in the dark, on my patio.  At first, the rain is soft and gentle and there is a deliciously cool breeze refreshing my bare skin.  The scent of rain on the desert is a heady perfume.  The sound of the rain drops on the tin roof is rhythmic and melodious.  There is a monsoon  light show happening in the sky.  Thunder begins crashing and rolling over the mountains and down into the desert floor.  The storm draws nearer.

All of my senses are wide awake.  I decide I want to add one more sense to the mix......taste........so I go pour myself a glass of wine.  As I sit back down, I quickly realize that it is almost uncomfortably cool with the strengthening wind.

Recently, a dear friend went to Africa.  She brought me a Masai Shuka.  To me, it looks like Scotch plaid.  And, apparently, there is a school of thought that the origin of the pattern came from contact with Scotch missionaries.

https://www.gadventures.com/blog/story-behind-maasais-shuka-cloth/

Back I went, into the house, for the shuka.

Comfortably wrapped in the African-Scotch plaid....I felt completely immersed and submerged in sensual delights of every kind!

I have a new friend. .  She's, obviously, lived in the neighborhood for a long time, but I just noticed her last week when I began spending more time on my patio.  I was sitting in exactly the right position to have the right perspective to finally see her face looking right at me!  She and I have become good friends.  I call her, Stella.  She looks rather fierce, to me.....not scary fierce...but strong and protective fierce.....a warrior woman if I ever saw one!

One of our cats was curled up in the chair next to me.  The other was nestled in the old quilts on the glider.  Stella and I keep company as the storm grows stronger.

I am aware of a profound sense of wonder and one-ness.  I am IN this universe.  This universe is IN me.  I sit in profound peace and beauty-filled bliss!

The rain stops.  The lightning lessens.  The thunder rolls away.  The storm passes.
I go back to bed.
To sleep.

As I write these words, this morning, dawn has broken....cloud remnants hanging over the mountains are turning pink and gold with the rising sun.  I am aware that monsoon season is nearly over and soon, we will go for weeks or even months with little or no rain. 

Two weeks ago, tonight, is when I went to the Emergency Room and wound up in the hospital.   I began my own new season....these new days of my beautiful new life!

A NEW DAY HAS BEGUN.

I AM GRATEFUL.

*********************

I  have just written that last sentence in my notebook when I notice a bird swooping into my vision.  It lands, directly in front of me!  It is the Kestrel I've been hearing screeching nearby but have not seen in a very long time.  Welcome back, my friend.

DEPRESSION

It sucks.
It sucks your energy.
It sucks the very life out of you!
And it is tricky and insidious.  It can masquerade as something else...something like, 'I'm just tired.'
Just constantly, completely , utterly, deeply, profoundly, bone-marrow deep tired!!!!!!!!!!
I could hardly talk to anyone without weeping....especially if they asked me, 'How are you?'    I truly felt like I was going crazy, at times.
I really did not recognize how sick I was....neither with the COPD nor the depression I was experiencing.
When I finally did, it was a life-changing moment.

The last year has been a rough one with numerous medical problems my husband was having, culminating in a cancer diagnosis.
He's doing well..radiation is completed and he's back to work. He still has another immunotherapy treatment left and then the PET scans to see if it is gone.

There has been an enormous stress on us both.  The illnesses.  The bills.  The lack of income.  The worry.  And of course, other life didn't stop becuase of all that. There were some other rough family issues which came up....some really rough ones.  And, an ongoing project which kept my patio....my sanctuary....my haven....in complete and utter disarray for months.

Everywhere I looked, it seemed. everything was a mess and I had NO energy to clean up any of those messes!  I got to where I just couldn't care anymore about how everything looked.  It just hurt to care. It made me more tired to care.   I painted in the morning.  Thankfully, I still took great joy in that. The only thing I did in the afternoon was cook some supper and wash some dishes....and sometimes, I didn't even do that. I was too tired!

I didn't care what I looked like, either.  I am embarrassed to admit how long I might go without a shower or washing my hair....or shaving my old legs!  Taking a bath, which I used to love, would mean I'd have to spend more time cleaning the bathtub.  The very idea was exhausting...so I took showers...if and when I even bothered.

Beloved plants withered  and nearly died from lack of attention....because I was just too tired...and it was too hot...and too humid...and too completely miserable outdoors....for me to force myself to go make the effort.

So, I sat in the house and grew more and more tired.  And smoked.  And smoked.

I've made no secret of the fact that I'm not happy with the state of our country since the last Presidential election.  I knew, full well, I was depressed over that. Lots of us have lived in a state of heightened anxiety since then,  wondering what on earth will happen next in this new world we were suddently thrust into!

Still, even though I recognized I was having some depression, I had no idea how deep it went.  I was given a great gift, all because of my husband's cancer diagnosis...which helped me keep going, for a time.  I am collaborating with a wonderful new friend in getting numerous paintings placed in Diamond Children's Hospital, here in Tucson.

But, that obviously wasn't enough.

Everything came crashing down on me, on Sunday, August 19th, when I suddenly could not catch my breath, at all!  Somehow, I was able to calm myself and breathe a little better....but when it happened again, the next evening, I knew I couldn't put off getting help. That's when we went to the E.R. and I subsequently found myself as a guest in their 'resort.'

It was while lying there, in enforced stillness, that I suddenly recognized the magnitude of what I was dealing with.  Not long ago, I had painted this picture....which, I believe is quite telling.

And many, many months ago, I  painted this one.  Again, I think it is quite telling.

I don't remember, before this happened, when was the last time I woke up feeling rested.  Sleep was difficult to achieve and even when I did, I was waking myself numerous times each night, coughing.  That would be followed by another round of trying to quiet my spinning mind so I could get back to sleep...even for a little while.  I tried all kinds of mind tricks.  Some of them worked-somewhat.  Some, not at all.

I know now I was simply not getting enough oxygen in my body for it to operate properly.  I know there are biological processes which happen when oxygen moves through your lungs and into your blood stream....important ones.  Not getting sufficient oxygen was a big cause of my fatigue...and part, I'm convinced..... of the reason for my depression.  Of course, anxiety interferes with your breathing, too. So, I was getting assaulted from two angles!

Lots of folks don't breathe right.  Lots of folks don't sleep well.  I would ask you to examine your breathing habits and see if you might be able to improve those habits and maybe get some better sleep.

There is a very simple breathing exercise which I am doing faithfully because it just makes such a huge difference, so quickly!  I highly recommend it!

watch here  If that link doesn't work, copy and paste this into your browser.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqIPW474azk


The most immediate relief of my depression came from getting sufficient OXYGEN!!!!!  It is amazing, life-sustaining stuff!  I highly recommend it!  ;)

Then, as I began to feel less tired, I began to have more interest in my own life.  I began to be more aware of my own needs.  I began to be more aware of the importance of self care!  I have written about that, a little, in a previous post.  I intend to re-read that one, myself, often.


I am already more physically active, although I have to pace myself and that just aggravates me, mightally, at times!  I am dying to feel like mowing the yard!  Even if I have to do it five minutes at a time.

I'm restoring my patio and my yard, little by little and while I'm doing that, I'm restoring my soul.

And.....I'm, once again, taking long,  leisurely baths...'cause they feel so good....and I think I can manage to clean that tub!

MORNING GLORY

This morning's soundtrack really should be:

"Oh, what a beautfiul mornin'....oh, what a beautiful day............."   

We had a cloudburst last night which left the air cool and fresh and sweet.  I am getting occasional whiffs of my Arabian Jasmine growing in the front yard. 

Hummingbirds, mockingbirds, doves, gold finches, house finches, woodpeckers and a multitude of sparrows are paying visits to the fountain and singing the sun up!

The passing clouds are making pretty pictures in the sky.

The fountain is splashing a melody.

It's Saturday.  The only traffic noise I can hear is the faint whistle of a distant train.

My coffee tastes especially good, this morning.

Daisy Cat is keeping me company.

I didn't sleep the night through.  In fact,  I was wide awake again, in the middle of the night.  I didn't pay close enough attention to the music video I chose before I went to bed.  It only lasted 4 hours....so, when it stopped, I woke up.

I got into a cooking frenzy, yesterday afternoon, and made myself so tired that I left a horrible mess in the kitchen.  So, once again, in the middle of the night, I was up doing dishes.  It was good to wake up to a clean kitchen.

I got a surprisingly good sounding little speaker for my tablet and I think, last night, I got the 'right' volume level figured out...not too loud....not too soft...but juuuuuust right.  So, if I use a 24/7 video tonight instead of that 4 hour one, I might be more successful sleeping through the night.

The smoking thing:  I am very aware, especially after yesterday, that allowing myself to get too tired is a sure fire way to set off a chain-smoking episode!  Also, frustration and excitement are strong triggers.  I am feeling less and less triggers as I work on these blog entries and  I am still making new connections to healthier responses to my triggers.  There are so many!

Today is September...a new month....a new season.....a time when, if I make myself healthy enough, I can spend many pleasant hours nurturing my poor, neglected yard without the possibility of heat stroke!  And while doing that, I will be nurturing my own neglected soul.

So....the song continues............

"I've got a wonderful feelin'....everything's goin' my way!"

And I AM GRATEFUL!