It sucks.
It sucks your energy.
It sucks the very life out of you!
And it is tricky and insidious. It can masquerade as something else...something like, 'I'm just tired.'
Just constantly, completely , utterly, deeply, profoundly, bone-marrow deep tired!!!!!!!!!!
I could hardly talk to anyone without weeping....especially if they asked me, 'How are you?' I truly felt like I was going crazy, at times.
I really did not recognize how sick I was....neither with the COPD nor the depression I was experiencing.
When I finally did, it was a life-changing moment.
The last year has been a rough one with numerous medical problems my husband was having, culminating in a cancer diagnosis.
He's doing well..radiation is completed and he's back to work. He still has another immunotherapy treatment left and then the PET scans to see if it is gone.
There has been an enormous stress on us both. The illnesses. The bills. The lack of income. The worry. And of course, other life didn't stop becuase of all that. There were some other rough family issues which came up....some really rough ones. And, an ongoing project which kept my patio....my sanctuary....my haven....in complete and utter disarray for months.
Everywhere I looked, it seemed. everything was a mess and I had NO energy to clean up any of those messes! I got to where I just couldn't care anymore about how everything looked. It just hurt to care. It made me more tired to care. I painted in the morning. Thankfully, I still took great joy in that. The only thing I did in the afternoon was cook some supper and wash some dishes....and sometimes, I didn't even do that. I was too tired!
I didn't care what I looked like, either. I am embarrassed to admit how long I might go without a shower or washing my hair....or shaving my old legs! Taking a bath, which I used to love, would mean I'd have to spend more time cleaning the bathtub. The very idea was exhausting...so I took showers...if and when I even bothered.
Beloved plants withered and nearly died from lack of attention....because I was just too tired...and it was too hot...and too humid...and too completely miserable outdoors....for me to force myself to go make the effort.
So, I sat in the house and grew more and more tired. And smoked. And smoked.
I've made no secret of the fact that I'm not happy with the state of our country since the last Presidential election. I knew, full well, I was depressed over that. Lots of us have lived in a state of heightened anxiety since then, wondering what on earth will happen next in this new world we were suddently thrust into!
Still, even though I recognized I was having some depression, I had no idea how deep it went. I was given a great gift, all because of my husband's cancer diagnosis...which helped me keep going, for a time. I am collaborating with a wonderful new friend in getting numerous paintings placed in Diamond Children's Hospital, here in Tucson.
But, that obviously wasn't enough.
Everything came crashing down on me, on Sunday, August 19th, when I suddenly could not catch my breath, at all! Somehow, I was able to calm myself and breathe a little better....but when it happened again, the next evening, I knew I couldn't put off getting help. That's when we went to the E.R. and I subsequently found myself as a guest in their 'resort.'
It was while lying there, in enforced stillness, that I suddenly recognized the magnitude of what I was dealing with. Not long ago, I had painted this picture....which, I believe is quite telling.
And many, many months ago, I painted this one. Again, I think it is quite telling.
I don't remember, before this happened, when was the last time I woke up feeling rested. Sleep was difficult to achieve and even when I did, I was waking myself numerous times each night, coughing. That would be followed by another round of trying to quiet my spinning mind so I could get back to sleep...even for a little while. I tried all kinds of mind tricks. Some of them worked-somewhat. Some, not at all.
I know now I was simply not getting enough oxygen in my body for it to operate properly. I know there are biological processes which happen when oxygen moves through your lungs and into your blood stream....important ones. Not getting sufficient oxygen was a big cause of my fatigue...and part, I'm convinced..... of the reason for my depression. Of course, anxiety interferes with your breathing, too. So, I was getting assaulted from two angles!
Lots of folks don't breathe right. Lots of folks don't sleep well. I would ask you to examine your breathing habits and see if you might be able to improve those habits and maybe get some better sleep.
There is a very simple breathing exercise which I am doing faithfully because it just makes such a huge difference, so quickly! I highly recommend it!
watch here If that link doesn't work, copy and paste this into your browser.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqIPW474azk
The most immediate relief of my depression came from getting sufficient OXYGEN!!!!! It is amazing, life-sustaining stuff! I highly recommend it! ;)
Then, as I began to feel less tired, I began to have more interest in my own life. I began to be more aware of my own needs. I began to be more aware of the importance of self care! I have written about that, a little, in a previous post. I intend to re-read that one, myself, often.
I am already more physically active, although I have to pace myself and that just aggravates me, mightally, at times! I am dying to feel like mowing the yard! Even if I have to do it five minutes at a time.
I'm restoring my patio and my yard, little by little and while I'm doing that, I'm restoring my soul.
And.....I'm, once again, taking long, leisurely baths...'cause they feel so good....and I think I can manage to clean that tub!
